Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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