He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
