I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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