i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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