Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
