So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
