ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
