yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
