i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
zippers are such a cool invention
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
