i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
