There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
