i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize