She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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