I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
