Me too!
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
