we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
