Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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