I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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