Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
