i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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