so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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