All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
