i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
