Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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