You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
