I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
