Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He shit in the fireplace
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
