Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
