I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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