just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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