I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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