Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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