spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
