Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
