I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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