Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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