Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
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