he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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