Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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