There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
