I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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