Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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