A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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