My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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