Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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