Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
