How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
