She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
