He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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