The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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