I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize