Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
