Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
