I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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