Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
