I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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