He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
