He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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