so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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