My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My butt remains clenched, sir.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
