the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
