dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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