I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
there is glitter all over my balls
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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