I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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