i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
