hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
