woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
