Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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