I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize