ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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