I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
